Regret

“This is the number one rule for your set, in order to survive gotta learn to live with regret”  – Jay Z

For many years, I had one regret. At least one that stood out more than others.

That regret was moving back to Michigan. Moving back home. 

First there was the struggle. I moved back without a financial safety net. And I struggled for it. It took me nine years to make what I made before I came back. During those nine years, I accumulated bad debt and bad credit. 

Secondly, and more importantly, when I came back, it no longer felt like home. There was of course the things that are familiar – family, old friends, old flames, old hang outs. But I no longer felt at home. I felt different. While I was away, I learned things about myself. Being away from the only family and friends that I had ever known, I learned to rely on myself. I learned to trust myself. What I really thought; what I really liked without interference from loved ones. I listened to myself. I felt connected to God all on my own for the first time. It was liberating.

Then there was the friends who became my family. I grew up with my friends from home. But I grew up with my friends while away. There is a difference. I had new connections with people who shared a similar world view with me.

At some point, after coming back home, I realized that I had made a mistake. 

So I decided that I would leave. But I didn’t go. I stayed. I made the best of my situation. And I lived with regret. And longing. 

Today though it is not regret that I feel. I realized during my daughters illness that I was in the right place and for that purpose. But that longing is showing up again and I’m itching to move. To go somewhere. To do some things.

All of a sudden, I’ve started thinking about the things I haven’t done that I want to do. Thinking about my fears and what’s holding me back.  

I want to move! But I don’t want to have any regrets. I want to do things a little better this time. I want to take the leap but leave out the struggle. 

 

Published by

MommaPeach

wife, mom, writer. trying to finish my first draft.

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