Regret

“This is the number one rule for your set, in order to survive gotta learn to live with regret”  – Jay Z

For many years, I had one regret. At least one that stood out more than others.

That regret was moving back to Michigan. Moving back home. 

First there was the struggle. I moved back without a financial safety net. And I struggled for it. It took me nine years to make what I made before I came back. During those nine years, I accumulated bad debt and bad credit. 

Secondly, and more importantly, when I came back, it no longer felt like home. There was of course the things that are familiar – family, old friends, old flames, old hang outs. But I no longer felt at home. I felt different. While I was away, I learned things about myself. Being away from the only family and friends that I had ever known, I learned to rely on myself. I learned to trust myself. What I really thought; what I really liked without interference from loved ones. I listened to myself. I felt connected to God all on my own for the first time. It was liberating.

Then there was the friends who became my family. I grew up with my friends from home. But I grew up with my friends while away. There is a difference. I had new connections with people who shared a similar world view with me.

At some point, after coming back home, I realized that I had made a mistake. 

So I decided that I would leave. But I didn’t go. I stayed. I made the best of my situation. And I lived with regret. And longing. 

Today though it is not regret that I feel. I realized during my daughters illness that I was in the right place and for that purpose. But that longing is showing up again and I’m itching to move. To go somewhere. To do some things.

All of a sudden, I’ve started thinking about the things I haven’t done that I want to do. Thinking about my fears and what’s holding me back.  

I want to move! But I don’t want to have any regrets. I want to do things a little better this time. I want to take the leap but leave out the struggle. 

 

Published by

MommaPeach

experiencing many transitions in life - new husband, new house, new city, new baby. it can be overwhelming. i'm taking time to go back to basics. trying to figure it out myself. practicing that new time religion - self realization - finding, protecting, loving, perfecting me.

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