Mommy Post

I am down in the dumps. I am not at ease. I am trying to manage my feelings and concerns about my toddler’s latest appointment with the developmental pediatrician. I tried to give myself a pep talk, listen to gospel music and take a walk, but nope. Still blue.

No parent ever wants to hear that something is wrong with their child.  Parents are like superhero’s sworn to protect and serve their children. We will go to war; go broke; go gray in the service of our children.

I have been here before.  This battlefield is not new.

I remember the feeling of going to war for my first child. At the age of fifteen, I started noticing things that were changing in the way that she behaved. I spoke to her school counselor and mentioned my daughter’s weight loss. She made note of my concerns and then brushed them off, later laughing about it with my daughter.

I spoke to the pediatrician and mentioned that her menstrual cycle had stopped. She made note of it and told me that it wasn’t a cause for concern at her age. A few months later, I followed up again and that time she ordered tests. Turns out, my daughter had a tumor on her pituitary gland.

By the time we started sitting in front of oncologists and visiting teams of doctors for all of the effects of that tumor, I was already a warrior mom.

Now here I am, on the other side of one daughter’s brain cancer – surgery, chemo, radiation – to the land of cancer survivorship. I had stepped off of the battlefield. I had happily put down my heavy armor but still wore my cape.

My toddler’s issues are not a matter of life or death. But as a parent, I want the very best life possible for my child. So to make that happen, I’m once again preparing for war as we figure out the next steps in this new battlefield.

Jay Z x Big Ghost Ltd: The Black Album Revisited (Stream)

gingerslim

To celebrate the 15th anniversary of Jay Z’s The Black Album, Big Ghost Ltd. has revisited the monumental project to add some fresh perspective. Ol’ Volcano Hands himself says that the remixes aimed to create a version of the album “where A-List celebrity producers played no part…n it was no politics involved nahmean. No hype or pitches to the artist from whoever whoever… Just the feel of that early 00s shit when the R.O.C. had established itself as the pinnacle n the heartbeat of the culture n the greatest rapper of all time pump faked his retirement”. If that sounds like a winning formula, that’s cos it is, as Ghost manages to pull off a successful venture into what maybe considered hallowed turf. Cuts on the album come from Giallo Point and DJ Grouch. You can stream The Black Album Revisited below, with downloads available via Bandcamp.

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Repost – Thank you

This is a re-post from an old blog from Tuesday, October 18, 2011

So I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted, but as you know I’ve been dealing with my daughter’s cancer and she is now in remission!! Woohoo!

Word was out in Muskegon, MI about my daughter and a woman approached my mother about a Cancer Awareness Benefit concert that a local church does every year. This year they choose two families to recognize and mine was one of them. The concert was on Friday and I have been a ball of emotion since then. Here is the letter that I sent to the church as a thank you —-

The Cancer Benefit Concert on Friday, October 14, 2011 at Queen Esther Baptist church was an amazing and spirit lifting event.

The choirs were great, the musicians were wonderful and the praise dancing was the best I had ever seen.
But the words and spirit in which they came moved me and stayed with me. So much so that I was on the verge of tears all weekend.

When Naiima was diagnosed with a tumor and then panhypopituitarism (which is loss of pituitary/endocrine function) and then later cancer, all of my family, friends and friends of friends began praying. People spoke about and prayed for a miracle. I was comforted by that and it gave me some peace. I mostly prayed to get through and accept what God placed in our path.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10 

I knew that I had to be present. By that I mean, that I had to focus on what was going on right now.

So at the doctor’s appointments and hospital stays, I had to know what all the words meant. I didn’t want doctors speaking to me and I not understand what they were saying or not understand the implications of what they were saying or not saying. Sometimes I would whip out my laptop while the doctor was speaking or bring out my pen and paper and look up or write down what they were saying. I knew that I had to be able to explain to people what was going on and answer question after question.

I also had to know and understand for myself and my child what was going on. I knew that my daughter had given a lot of her concern over to me. She sometimes seemed unaffected by it all. When the doctors asked her questions, she would turn and look at me. I know that she was affected underneath it all, but she wore a brave face. So in turn, I wore a brave face. I wore that brave face for her but also for my mother and my grandmother and my friends.

Because while everyone outwardly dealt with the shock of it all and the fear it entailed, I knew that as my daughter’s caregiver, I could not. I knew that I had to absolutely present and I also knew that God was present with me.

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” Psalm 27:13-14 

I never questioned – why my daughter? I never asked why. Years ago, I read the book of Job and it took me years to come to terms with the book. But it was solidified during this experience. I saw all of those children on that same floor, a lot who were worse off than my daughter. I remember telling her that and saying to her don’t ever ask or think “why me?” because why not you? She had brain cancer but she had the best brain cancer to have. So I knew that why’s and woe-is-me’s are not helpful..especially when you are trying to be present..be focused on the moment..the here and now with God. That is what I also knew. I knew that God was with me through it all and we would be ok.

 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I didn’t realize until Friday though that I had not released all of those emotions that I was holding in and so slowly I have begun to release them. I know that that will be good for me and my family.

“He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake” Psalms 23:3 

I am not a public speaker at all, so I could not verbalize these things at the concert. I would like to thank the Women Helping Women of the Queen Esther Church for being the vehicle for release those emotions and to realize how blessed we are and more importantly, that we are not alone.

We appreciate the generous gifts and are so thankful to have been a part of something so meaningful!

God Bless,

Tenisia Moore,
Mother of Naiima Dixon, cancer survivor

Mother – A poem for my mom

I wrote this poem for a class (Women’s Lives Into Literature) last year about my mom. Today is her birthday, so I thought I should share. I hope you enjoy it.

Mother

It is no wonder

That the first God that we see

Is often our mothers.

We come into the world

Solely dependent upon them.

If she is a good one,

We feel loved.

If she is a bad one,

We crave love.

As we get older,

We separate.

She is no longer

All knowing

Or

Ever present

Or

All good

In fact,

She is often wrong.

We are often at odds.

I don’t know when

I began to despise

My own mother

But

I did.

We were so close

In age.

We grew up together.

But we grew apart.

Always at odds.

I don’t recall the moment

That we stopped fighting.

But we did.

One day, I looked up and we were friends

My mother and I –

I was very surprised.

She wasn’t.

When my daughter had brain surgery,

And began having seizures

In the hospital,

I was there alone.

I sent a text to my mother

To tell her.

I would swear that only fifteen minutes had passed

Although that’s not possible

She was 45 minutes away.

But it was like

She had a super power that day.

When she walked through that hospital door.

Just to be with me

To be a support

And we sat on the couch in the room

My mother and I –

My daughter sedated,

The room quiet

My heart thankful

That this woman

Gave me her strength

And that I could receive it

And as a result

Be strong.

Tenisia Davis – August 2017

Trust Your Journey

I have another blog too 🙂

Tenisia Davis

I once saw a quote from a meme on Instagram before that said to “trust your struggle”. And I filed that in the motivation section of my mental Rolodex.

The past few months have been yet another lesson of adjustment for me where I am repeatedly reminded to Trust My Journey. I left my previous job and became a contractor thinking that I would make good money and could concentrate on writing my “great novel” only to discover that I wasn’t making enough and I really didn’t enjoy what I was doing. So I had to scramble around trying to figure out a new plan. All the while, also dealing with life as a wife and mother and full time graduate student in this new city (2 years and still new to me).

I spend a lot of time being a resource and helping other people but when it comes…

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Being Inspired in the Fall Season

As the weather is changing and the sun is shining less, it’s more important than ever to find effective ways to pick yourself up. Summer is gone. It’s getting cold outside. The days are shorter and darker.

I’m one of those people who love fall (not winter). The colors outside are beautiful. You get to wear sweaters! There’s Halloween and pumpkins and then thanksgiving with family. It’s also the perfect weather for indoor reading and reflecting.

I once saw a meme that expresses that fall gives a visual example of how to let things go. That stuck with me. If there are some things in your life that you need to let go of, now is the perfect time to do it.

I think of a feel good bank. I try to stay in tune with my feel good account and keep a nice balance. If you need a little pick me up, there are small things that you can do that go a long way –

  • Listen to an inspirational song – I have an inspirational playlist because good music soothes the soul
  • Read inspirational/motivational quotes – I keep a quote library
  • Keep your “pick me up people” on speed dial – it’s good to always have a person or two that you can call who will give you that laugh or pep talk that you need
  • Limit your time on social media – sometimes you need to step away from all of the negative stimulus that comes from social media. That’s ok. Take a break
  • Smile! – when you offer a smile to someone, you usually get one in return. It feels good. So does hugs!
  • Go and see a trained mental health professional- sometimes you need a person who’s been trained and has resources to help you with whatever is ailing you. Don’t avoid it! Find help!

Lastly, if you have people you love, there are times when they just make you smile and feel good (I know there are times when they don’t) and it’s good to pull from your memories of those times. How did that make you feel? I know when one of my kids tell me thank you or I love you out of the blue, it makes me feel good.

On Saturday’s, I get up early in the morning to take my son to violin lessons. On the way there, we listen to the Myths and Legends podcast because he enjoys it. Afterwards, we usually stop and get a mocha for me and a hot chocolate for him. Although I hate getting up early on Saturday, I love that he and I can share that little time together alone. And that always gives me a few feel good points for my feel good bank.

Reflecting

A few weeks ago my family had a discussion about our goals after dinner. So I grabbed a pad and pen and we each made a list of our goals for 2017.

I’m not going to restate them here, but while enjoying my cup of coffee at the same table today, img_5697I was reflecting on them. I remember being very impressed with my son because his goals were so simple but were things that I have been speaking to him about.

That let’s me know that he listens and it’s a reminder of the importance of being intentional – in parenting for sure- but also as I go about my day.

Im often thinking of my cart before my horse. I’m often planning in my dreams and not focusing on the day to day nuts and bolts…the steps to get to the places that I want to be.

Dont get me wrong, I have accomplished quite a bit and I’m moving in the direction that I want.

But every year, I reflect on things in preparation for the new year. I’m always thankful for my blessings, my family and friendships. But, the older I get, I find that my desires and end of the year thoughts and plans are eerily similar to previous years. While that reassures me that I’m on the right track and that I’m in tune to my passion, it is a reminder that I have let a few years go by still doing the building and planning in my head while not always building those things in reality.

I don’t have any New Years resolutions. I do have a few new short term goals. I want my family to write our goals down every year, or every six months.

And more than ever, I want to check some things off my list.

 

A riot is the language of the unheard

Because there is nothing new under the sun –

Under The Ra

Southern trees
Bore the strange fruit
Of black bodies swinging
And today the streets
are filled with black 
Bodies 
Leaving communities and families searching for meaning
We can 
Educate 
Assimilate
Uplift the race
But no matter how much
We thrive, strive and survive
I have to worry, teach and protect my son like it was 1855
I have to worry about his 
Pants, his shirt, his diction,
Facial expression, height, level of threat that may be perceived 
Because he is breathing
And therein lies the threat
Black life matters
But black life
Is threatening
My sons innocence is only felt by me
And this not not a new narrative
This is a recycled theme
From the continent
To the ship
To the shore
To the field
To the tree
To the factory
To the city streets
Black bodies
Lying in the streets
For hours
For years
For centuries
I weep…

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Juggling

img_3402-2Picture this –
First, I start with being a wife and mommy. Then I add student and writer in the mix. And then I add in a full time job. Easy, peasy.
I am wife, mommy, employee, writer and student.
jug·gle
ˈjəɡəl/
verb
gerund or present participle: juggling
  1. continuously toss into the air and catch (a number of objects) so as to keep at least one in the air while handling the others, typically for the entertainment of others.

In the kitchen like “until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned – everywhere is war ” #mesaywar #war #bobmarley #songsforsurvival #songsforsurvivalplaylist #tidalimage.jpeg